Out of the Masculine

I heard this comment, by Chris Perry that goes,

“Taking a woman out of her masculine era and into her soft feminine era is a real flex! That means you brought her peace!! A lot of men don’t make a woman feel at peace, they come into her life and cause chaos! Women who have had no choice but to find a way to make it happen on their OWN tend to be more on edge and have zero tolerance for immature men. Because if they don’t get it done they have no safety net to fall back on and failure is not an option. So men who don’t have pure intentions, who cause her more stress and don’t add value to her life are a threat to her succeeding. But when a real man proves he is a leader, a provider, and someone she can always count on, THAT’S when you will experience that soft feminine side of her.”

On first listen, I felt this to my core. As a woman who has always been responsible for progressing herself, healing herself, and relying on herself - the part where he’s talking about not having a choice and the threat to my success was a sucker punch to the right kidney. However, this statement is a bit complex and generalized on further dissection. Interesting timing that this came onto my Instagram timeline today because I’ve been sitting a lot lately with the concept of relationships.

I’ve always been enthralled by how two people meet, what draws them in, what makes them stay, and where the deal breakers are. Relationships genuinely intrigue me from a mechanical standpoint — and realistically, a chemical standpoint too. In trying to decide not only what I want for my life I’ve also been attempting to get to the core of what I need. You know those necklace tangles, where the chain is dainty and it starts with what seems like an easy enough knot to dismember - but the more you try to detangle, the worse it seems to get - until you’re sitting on the floor with tiny tweezers or a pin, trying to carefully dismantle the bomb that is this tangled necklace? Or, the bread ties when you first open them, no matter if you untwist left or right, there’s always some kink in the twist that tricks you into having a hard time figuring out which way to keep untwisting. Maybe you’ve experienced neither, but what I know of deep healing after deep shadow work is that the deeper I dive, the more questions I have.

So, back to this concept of the woman coming out of the masculine. I think there are a lot of scenarios that don’t lend to the simplicity of this notion — but for the sake of time and word count, I do think there is something to be said about men who bring chaos into a woman’s life - simply by being unaware of their own traumas or unhealed parts. And while all experience those at various times in life, once brought to the attention — many men, at least the ones that I’ve had the experience of knowing, are not willing to attend to the wounds. They’re resolved to things like This is just who I am… Take it or leave it… I don’t know if I can change… I’ve always been like this… Maybe you just want too much… You’re impossible to please… I’m tired of feeling bad about myself…

Do any of those ring a bell? Have you said any of those? I think the thing that calls the loudest to me, is entering a relationship without awareness of self, but carrying with you, expectations rooted in a solidified self and no willingness to examine - especially knowing (or hopefully knowing) that with each new relationship, things are going to be brought to your attention. There has to be space for fluidity, adjustment, and finding a new flow. Often, the ownness is put on the woman that she should just “deal” or if she “really loved him” or “really wanted to be with him” she would… Naturally, I know women can be heavily unaware of themselves and carry things into relationships just the same, but pulling from the quote and my own experiences, I'm focusing on men for this particular piece.

I’ve lived through two major shipwrecks (and a handful of abandoning ship) with men who were unwilling to be emotionally available, unwilling to do any work on themselves, who expected me to just show up for them and be there and meet their needs no matter the cost. Do you know what that cost was? Me.

I was the cost. I was the ship. I was the wreck. I was able to stay in those relationships, so long as I was okay with losing sight of myself.

While my words may feel like a position of blame, What I’m saying is, that I have very much had toxic traits as well, things that didn’t work for the greater good. Things that damaged the partners I was with at the time. The difference I've actively found is that I have intermittently sought help when those things were brought to my attention or when I felt like something was getting in the way of the progression of the relationship or my betterment of self.

I didn’t use weaponized ignorance or the love me or leave me mentality to bully my way through a relationship expecting my partner to carry my baggaged weight or to suffer and shrink in the shadow of my staunchness. I’ve entertained meds, I’ve gone to therapy (many times), I’ve worked on my mental state through interactive workshops, journaling, etc. I’ve approached working on myself, the same way I would with solving an issue at work. I wish I could say the same for those partners. So, I think at a base level, this man is pretty spot on in saying - that this picturesque “softer” woman that men seem to always chase, will show up. But what I know of strong women is that we only become soft when we can trust the space. We melt when we can see (read: actions, not just words) the strength in a man’s ability to showcase consistency of actions, emotional awareness, accountability, willingness to make adjustments (not change who they are but learn to melt and mold into a dual flow that works for both parties while maintaining the essence and core of who he is). We need to see a man who we don't have to continually translate ourselves to (getting to know one another - one thing, but to feel as though you're always translating your needs and yourself is very different). What is rewarded with softness, is a man who can truly hold himself before we can let him fully hold us.