The Phoenix in Me

Have you ever felt the struggle of growth within yourself? The growth where it almost feels as though you have two versions of you fighting for space within.

If you’ve never seen X-men: The Last Stand, you should (and that is the only Twentieth Century Fox comic series I’ll recommend you see…wait, I lied – Deadpool…you should see Deadpool too).

Anyhow, in this movie the character of Jean Grey shows up as the Phoenix, an immensely power force that serves as a stronger, more dangerous secondary personality. I won’t get into the differences between the comics and this movie universe but in the movie, she’s powerful beyond measure, but completely uncontrolled. There is a scene where Professor X tries to restore the mental barriers that he instilled in Jean’s mind to keep her from irreparable recklessness.

The reason I mention this character featured in the movie is because over this week I’ve come to realize that a lot of us struggle with the line between who we’ve become and who we were (and even who we are yet to be). In other posts I’ve writer perspectives that offer food for thought even suggestions on how to think differently. Not in this one. This one, I’m just sharing.

My mom use to refer to me as a “Tasmanian Devil,” because I’d never leave a room without making your head spin (her words, not mine). In my youth, my boldness was at an all-time high and my sensitivity to others was in an emotional oblivion. Numbness was present and empathy was non-existent. I had no issues walking around carrying a carefully sharpened sword of “truth” (of course my version only) and piercing anyone who threatened my comfortably placed walls of protection. I was a force to be reckoned with and recklessly irrational.

The only problem with being emotionally numb to others was that I was also way out of touch with owning my own emotions. Mix that with quick wit and a slick tongue and you now have a formula for disaster. I was excellent at burning bridges and leveling confidence.

A long way from that chick, you have the much more in touch, empathetic me. I learned to truly invest myself in others. I put up mental barriers where rampant, emotional outbursts use to thrive. Only, there is just ONE flaw in the security system…the bold behavior.

Most would not even guess this, most still view my fearless, honest, and assertive side. But something a lot of people don’t see, is the situations I’ve found myself in where I am provoked to “go there” and run smack into that mental barrier I placed a while back. I find myself at the corner of WHAT NOW? I can’t seem to find the happy medium between that tornado of chaos and the eternal optimist that I feel I’ve landed on now.

I find myself biting my tongue or pulling punches in fear of unleashing the unnecessary beast. Only this often leaves me feeling taken advantage of or in a position of doubt and second-guessing. See, it’s not that me being assertive, aggressive even, or bold doesn’t exist; it totally does. It’s just that, in situations where I am dealing with the same issues constantly, I almost tend to roll it off and keep on moving rather than stand still…put my foot down…and just ADVERTISE what it is that I am truly thinking.

We’ve all been there and I’m certain, nobody enjoys the stay. So what I am in search of…is how to find the happy medium where assertive nature is permitted and respected without coming off like an asshole. Where speaking my mind is received as honest and open as oppose to combative and difficult. Where standing up and putting my foot down translates to OK – SHE IS NO NONSENSE. And where, if none of that is actually perceived, I don’t sweat it because I know that is how I feel and I’ve advocated for myself.

There are many situations where people read all of the above from me. I’ve found myself in the company of the happy medium, many times. Yet, there are still some situations that I find myself still puzzled on why I just didn’t say what I felt was necessary. Why was using my new found comprehension of other people’s emotions able to push my voice right out of the room.

I can’t allow my voice to be silenced, but NO BODY wants to meet the “Phoenix” (seriously!)

Update: Original post was from 2012, and I’ve found that with time and experience, you can slowly find yourself shedding out of the unnecessary behaviors and really never looking back nor feeling the need to take it “there” because “there” is no longer a place of residence. I’ve found that with patience, open-mindedness (and the ability to understand other people’s angles), and communication you can pretty much get to where you need without having to leave wreckage in your wake. But social savvy and assertiveness, the happy medium of getting what you need and being considerate of others’ positions comes with time and growth. So if you’re still on that path to bettering your approach, hang in there!